I Memorized Her Face
by RuthlessBallard
Summary: Half a century after Voyagers return a reporter stumbles upon a personal log by Lieutenant Barclay explaining a surprising moment between him and Kathryn Janeway. One shot.


It's a sunday evening as I sit on the floor of my apartment beside a box filled of old recordings from nearly fifty years ago. In all honesty Im surprised most of them still worked. Usually, I wasn't to keen on working with such archaic technology but as of a week ago my editor put me in charge of trying to see if there were any last drops we could squeeze out of the once juicy story of the long lost ship that dissapeard out of sight only to return seven years later. That will be exactly fifty years ago next month. I let out a sigh as I reached over and took a hearty swig of my coffee that had been sitting by my hip like a trusty sidekick. I let out sigh as I connected another PADD to the audio converter. Once everything was clicked in I took the opportunity to stretch out on the carpet as the little machines whirred alive in an marriage of old and new.

I admit I nearly jumped out of my skin when my comm line beeped loudly. Grumbling I pulled my self off the floor and slapped the answer button of my portable console resting comfortable on my bed. Soon I was staring face to face of the hologram of my exasperated editor. "Eddie" he huffed. "Stan" I replied. "How's the investigation going? I heard you got Lt. Barclay's box." he asked with what I think is his form of a grin. "Yeah Stan. This guy is a fucking nut. How the hell did he manage to get anything done let alone get Voyager home?" I exclaimed. "Don't know. Aint it your job to find out?" Stan retorted as he raised two bushy eyebrows. "I've been listening to these logs all day. Its all just ramblings or the strategies he planned that everyone learned in primary." I replied. "Im sure you can find something" Stan said unconvinced. "Stan." I said blandly "The only new and riveting log I have got in the last ten hours is the report of how his cat Neelix might be hooking up with some lady cat down the street." To my surprise the old man let out a chuckle. "Good work. But I think that might be to erotic for the Alpha Tribune." he teased. "Stan" I stated again more softly "The story is dead. Voyager has been told so many different ways it's practically a fable. Either every crewman is either dead or not talking. And yes don't say it! I know Voyager is the corner stone of Federation history but what more can we find that's already found? There's nothing juicy about it anymore. Its bone dry." As I finished my little speech I watched Stan lean back in his chair and lace his hands on top his large gut. He looked to be considering my words until the corner of his mouth turned up just ever so slightly. "Keep looking Eddie. You'll find it." he finally replied. My shoulders dropped in exasperation. "New report on my desk by Tuesday." he stated before cutting the line. "Well, shit" I groaned when I heard a loud click signaling the next log is ready to he heard. I replicated another cup of coffee and found my spot once more on the floor. I hit play.

The ambient sound filled my tiny apartment and once more the soft voice of Lt. Reginald Barclay wafted out the speakers.

 _"_ _Personal Log. Stardate…Im not sure right now. In all honesty I don't know if I care. Last night I have experienced something beyond my imagination. Something…Im…Im not sure if it was even real. I just…I just thought I knew her so well."_ He stated dreamily. " _For seven years and even now I have memorized her face. I would look at her profile for hours. I memorized her face."_

I raised an eyebrow. I was pretty sure he was talking about the captain. I usually can tell where a conversation is going a mile away but this one seemed different. He continued.

 _"_ _I..I just…its…last night I have witnessed a side of Kathryn I don't think will ever be seen by my eyes again. When she let me in last night I think she let me in on a secret I'm not sure I should know. I just….I memorized her face."_

"Well, this is different" I murmured to my self. Though I didn't want to get my hopes up. Emotional ramblings was the lutienint's signature move.

 _"_ _I think I'm getting a head of myself. Last night was the official welcome back celebration for Voyager. Finally! The briefings are over. Im so happy to have all those court martials behind me and Im sure the Voyager crew is feeling that even more. The party was wonderful. The food was delicious, the champagne was so bubbly and I felt like everyone was just so damn happy. I had no idea Mr Paris could dance so well and Mr Chakotay might be one of the funniest people I know. It was a wonderful night and you know what? I think I might have actually made some friends. I had so much fun. How was I to know that night would end in the Captain's quarters."_

I choked on my coffee and had to pause the recording so I could ride through my coughing fit. "Holy shit." I thought to myself "Stan's a wizard." Quickly I hit play.

 _"_ _I remember I was walking back to the hotel from the party. My apartment is clear across town and as unaccustomed I am to alcohol consumption I thought it best just to stick near by. I had walked out of ball room and was making my way to the back door when I heard a yelp and then a crash just down the hallway to my right. I quickly made my way to the noise only to find Kathryn Janeway on the floor with shattered plates around her and a toppled over service cart. Two waiters appeared from around the corner, also there to investigate the crash. I asked if she was all right as I helped her off the floor. She explained she was leaving the bathroom when she lost her footing and toppled into the cart. She apologized profusely to the waiters and offered to pay for the damage. I could tell just like every person I encountered at that party, the waiters were quit smitten about her. We both tried to help them pick up the mess but we were shooed away. Kathryn continued to apologize and asked their names. I can't help but smile. They smiled so wide and blushed. Suddenly they seemed just as flustered as she was. I don't know if Kathryn is aware of how unintentionally charming she can be. After a few moments of apologies Kathryn shoved hefty tips into their hands, thanked them so kindly with a crooked smile and we walked away._

 _I asked if she was leaving the party and she said yes. I said I was walking back to the hotel myself and offered to escort her. She agreed on the condition I keep an eye out for any other service carts that might pop out. I laughed and we stepped into the cool night air. The fresh air felt soothing for my woozy head. Kathryn leaned on me as her graceful stride didn't seem to be as intact so I assume she was rather inebriated herself. I don't think we said very much as we walked. Sometimes one of us would start to trip over their feet and the other would catch them and we would just laugh. I did notice a few photographers appearing ten feet away from us. I knew Kathryn had been hounded by the media ever since she stepped off of Voyager's platform. She handled it gracefully but I heard worried murmurs from the crew knowing it must be hard on such a private woman. Surprisingly we got to the hotel quickly without falling on our faces. The staff at the hotel was kind enough to let us ride the service elevator so Kathryn could avoid the reporters. Soon we made it to her doorway. I bid her good night and started to walk away when I heard her ask me. It was rather faint coming from her so I wondered if I had just imagined it. I turned around to see Kathrn opening her door and looking up at me. 'Night cap?' she asked again. The thought of more of liquor made me a little nervous and I admit my stomach was giving me a few warning signs to call it in for a night. But there was something in the way she looked at me. Something in her eyes that I knew so well. Without saying a word I think she was trying to tell me that….."_

A loud knock echoed loudly at my door. I cursed under my breath and hit pause. "Who is it!?" I called out indigently. "Delivery" a small voice called back. I forgot I ordered take out just a short while ago. I quickly swung the door open, paid and took the bag from the runner's hands. After setting up a big bowl of chow mein I brought the little devices up to my bed. Happily I curled up with my food ready to hear the rest of the story. I hit play.

 _"…_ _.that she just shouldn't be alone at the moment." I smiled and obliged. We entered her room. It was nice. I took a seat on the couch as she thumbed through the replicator's menu. As she listed the names of the available bottles I felt my stomach do another flip. I asked her, a little embarrassed, if it would be all right if I just had some coffee. She looked up to me and a small smile graced her lips again. 'Lieutenant.' she said 'It's never wrong time to ask for some coffee.' She replicated two cups and kindly doctored mine to my liking. I could tell she was unimpressed with my sweet taste compared to her affinity to just a black cup but she said nothing. Feeling brave I told her she could call me Reg if she wanted to, at least thats what my friends called me. 'You know. Considering all that you have done for Voyager you can be my best friend.' she replied and then let out a laugh. After that everything seemed to ease down. No tension. We ended up talking about childhood memories, favorite foods, the latest Starfleet gossip. It seemed after some alcohol and the briefings over we just needed to let ourselves go. Somehow we ended up on what her plans were now that she's officially signed off of Voyager. Her face changed and their was such a sorrow there. She calmly explained she was offered a promotion to Admiral and will start working at headquarters after her leave for a month. I congratulated whole heartedly and she just nodded. We sat in silence for a bit until I had to say it 'Your crew. They are safe now. They will be ok.' She wouldn't look at me. She fiddled with the fabric of that long green dress she looked so radiant in. 'I know that.' She replied 'I have no doubt about that. They are incredibly talented. Every last one of them.' I took her hand. She didn't react but she didn't pull away. 'They still see you as their captain' I told her. 'For now' she said. 'For always' I replied. Finally she looked up. She whispered to me her secret. 'I fought so long to come home. It's been my obsession. But now that we're here. Now that its all over I just….it's not what I thought it would be.' Then her tears came kind of like rain fall. A drop here or there and then all at once. I didn't know what to do so I just pulled her in close. She pressed her face against my chest as she wept. A few tears fell from my eyes as well. Both of our obsessions weren't quite what we thought it would be. Foolishly I expected the crew to return just as they had left. Fresh faced and ready for more. But they returned different, not broken, just different._

 _After a while her sobs eased down and she pulled away. She looked at me inches from face. Her breath smelt of coffee and whiskey. Her eyes shimmered so brightly. I don't know who started it but suddenly our lips were pressed together. Her lips were so soft and salty from her tears. She pulled away and apologized. I said it was ok. Again her lips were on mine but with more force. I remember it all. I remember how surprisingly little she weighed on top of me. I remember the feel of her hair between my fingers. I remember her nails lightly grazing against my scalp. I remember how comforting a woman's warmth can be. Suddenly, her comm badge beeped and we jumped. It was Mr Chakotay saying he realized she left the party and wanted to know if she got home safely. She responded kindly and ended the link. The moment was over. It was fleeting and beautiful but over. She crawled off and we adjusted our ruffled clothing. 'So I guess I'll see you at the press brunch tomorrow?' she asked me sternly. I was a little hurt but I understood her change in attitude. I asked her if she will be all right. She assured me she was fine. I don't know if I really believe her but I knew I was making her uncomfortable so I thanked her for the coffee and left._

 _I just can't help but think about her. I can't help imagining taking her out on dates and kissing her again. But I know that to her last night was a fluke. She was drunk and scared and wanted someone near. I understand that but its just…..Its just that….Its just that I memorized her face._

There was a long pause.

 _I think…I think that's all I have to say for now."_

The recording clicked and the machines whirred down to silence. I sat there for a moment looking at nothing. My heart felt heavy for the man. Especially the way his voice had cracked in his last few words. I picked up the PADD and oddly it felt heavier when I first plugged it in. I admit it would make a good article. Sure it was a bit tawdry for the tribune but ever since Kathryn's death just earlier this year it would definitely keep the readers intrigued. I guess Voyager had a few last drops of story left after all. I sat there in silence staring at the aging device. With a shuddered breath I scanned through the PADD and erased its entire contents. Im sure everyone would be interested in the story. But I knew that in my heart, this story just isn't meant to be told again.


End file.
